Baba’s Kitchen – Still my favorite halal Indian restaurant

LCPL Kevin Miller, Jr., USMCR

October 31, 1996, is a day I can remember very well.  I remember each passing October 31st very well since 1996.  For most people it is a day of costumes and candy but for me, October 31st is the day where I was forced to take a medical discharge (officially an honorable discharge) from the US Marine Corps Reserves.  It is something I really do not talk about much except with some veterans but after being silent for 15 years, I felt it was time to write it down and then move on with my life.

I joined the Marine Reserves in the summer of 1990 just about a week before Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait.  Oddly enough, I never intended nor did I even want to become a Marine.  Even though I was accepted into three universities, two with scholarships, I decided I want to spend some time in the military first before starting my studies.  I actually visited the Navy Recruiter, took the ASVAB, and did very well.

I wanted to be in the Naval Air Wing but since my scores were good, the Navy wanted to assign me to Nuclear Power School.  I said no and as I was leaving the recruiter’s office, Gunny Martinez from his office across the hall caught a hold of me.  Even though he originally signed me on as a welder for a tank’s division, long story, within a week of meeting him, I was given a slot in the Marine Corps Air Reserves up at Naval Air Station Whidbey Island.  On November 13, 1990, I was sent to Marine Corps Recruit Depot at San Diego to start my basic training, boot camp.

Boot camp was tough, I hated every minute of it.  I hated the marching, early morning wake-ups, the yelling drill instructors (DIs), it was hell.  I “accidentally” told one of the DIs to “F&^% off” by mistake (I did not think they heard me).  For two weeks straight the DIs made me get up in the middle of night for fire watch.  I learned later that they did not think I would make it.  As a matter of fact, many of my friends, family and even Gunny Martinez thought I would fail.  I survived, worked quite hard to graduate from boot camp.  Unfortunately, during my last month of training, I injured both of my knees.  I spent one week on crutches but instead of putting me in the Medical Rehabilitation Platoon, the Naval doctors decided to let me finish the training.  It was a decision which later I would come to regret.

From boot camp I headed to Marine Combat Training (MCT) at Camp Pendleton, California.  The marches and runs just further damaged my knees, all the Naval Corpsman gave me to deal with the pain were knee wraps and pain killers.  Why the Naval Corpsman kept me continuing MCT despite my injuries, I do not know.  After MCT I headed to Naval Air Station Memphis for my Parachute Rigger course.  We did not march or run often due to the summer heat so my knees were not aggravated.  I graduated in the summer of 1991 and was assigned as a Flight Equipment Marine (MOS 6060) at NAS Whidbey Island with VMAQ-4, an EA-6B Prowler Reserve Squadron at the time.  I headed back to Seattle, later reported to my squadron and then was released to Reserve Duty.  I then finally enrolled at the University of Washington and started taking classes in September, 1991.

Within a month, I signed up with the Marine Platoon Leader’s Course (PLC) to become a Marine Corps Officer.  At that time, I decided I wanted to spend my life in the Marines.  Though I wanted to be a pilot, I was given a contract to become a Judge Advocate’s General (JAG), in short a lawyer.  If I did well in Calculus, they told me they would consider giving me a pilot position but they said being a JAG would guarantee a fast promotion for me.  I was planning to graduate with my bachelor’s in 1995 with a commission as Second Lieutenant.  The PLC Gunny told me I would be a First Lieutenant at the beginning of law school with an immediate promotion to Captain after getting my law degree.  In late 1991, my life was set.  By early 1992, my whole life had changed…

Even though I was a Marine Reservist, I still had to maintain my physical fitness so I could pass the Physical Fitness Test (PFT).  The PLC program also tested

LCPL Kevin Miller, Jr., USMCR

us routinely.  During my 3 miles runs, my knee pains started to return.  They had always been there but they were noticeable again.  By early 1992, I decided to visit the Naval Medical Clinic during my drill weekend.  I just wanted some treatment.  The Navy refused… This would be the last time I reported to my unit as an active Reservist.  Within a couple months, the Navy tried to give me non-complying other-then-honorable discharge from the Marine Reserves.  This was a huge shock to me because I just wanted to rehabilitate my knees.  Luckily for me, a Navy Chief from Naval Station Puget Sound, who I visited, heard my case and informed a Naval JAG attorney.   I visited her and she forced the Navy to stop processing the above discharge.  The Marines then conducted an investigation on me which took over 4 years.  By this time, I lost my PLC JAG contract.  Gunny told me to come back after I took care of my medical problems with the Navy.

In the meantime, I was referred to the Veteran’s Administration who sent me to the VA Hospital in Seattle.  I could not start treatment yet because the VA said the Marine Corps and Navy were responsible.  Hence I went to the Sports Medicine Clinic at the University of Washington who treated me until the VA could grant me a disability rating.  Eventually I was granted a 10% disability and started my weekly physical therapy sessions at the VA hospital which lasted from 1992-1993.  I missed many classes during this time and my grades suffered.  Eventually, my physical therapist got me running short distance again but in the end, she told me that I could not do any hard physical activity again.  My physical therapy sessions ended at the VA.  There was no way I could stay in the Marines now.  I was on my own except for two doctors at the University of Washington.  They both wanted to make sure that my mental health well being was okay.  I was only about 20 years old at the time.

1993 passed, no word about my investigation by the Marines.  1994 passed and finally 1995.  It was not until the summer of 1996 that I finally got a verdict.  During this time, I was stuck in Seattle since my Reserve Unit at NAS Whidbey Island or the Naval Medical Clinic could call me to report to the unit at any time.  When I got the final report of the investigation, I found out that the Navy accused me of misconduct, they alleged that I “injured myself”.  The Marines do not agree, I was clear of all charges.  Like the VA, my injury was deemed service-connected.

So what did the same Naval Medical Clinic at NAS Whidbey Island do?  They put me back on FULL duty, the Navy doctor who reviewed my case told me in person that I was fully recovered.  He never looked at the report or read through my medical records from both the VA Hospital and University of Washington.  The Corpsman who was handling my case at the time got angry when he found out.  He told me that this doctor was protecting the doctor who incorrectly misdiagnosed my knee injuries many years before.  What this doctor wanted to do was make me do a PFT including the 3 mile that weekend knowing I would fail due to my knees.  I then would have received a dishonorable discharge according to the Corpsman.  The Corpsman spoke to his superior who then recommend I be given an honorable discharge from the Marine Corps Reserves, in short a medical discharge.  In October, 1996, my Marine unit informed me that I would be given an honorable discharge.  About a week later, I was given my Honorable Discharge certificate in a frame.  That was when I noticed that it was dated October 31, 1996.

To put things in perspective, I finally graduated from the University of Washington in August, 1996, just a couple months before.  I did not know what to do.  My lifelong goal of being a military pilot and officer was shattered.  I could not even join any other military service.  Even worse, my knees still bothered me.  At the time, nobody really knew what had happened to me, I remember being a bit embarrassed.  I was just essentially forced out of the Marines.  I did not have any support from friends or family members, to be honest, I could not seek them out.

To this day, even my parents and siblings really did not know what happened to me.  Everyday just assumed I was okay, I was the guy who always smiled.   I just remember thinking at the time, “I just left the Marines but for the very first time of my life, I was actually BECOMING a Marine.”   I decided to suck it up and hold it inside of me.  I had to be a Marine, still, I had to be a man.  I just smiled and laughed.  So instead of seeking out help through the VA, I did something that I should not have done, I joined the US Peace Corps and was accepted, upon my discharge from the Marines, in December, 1996.

From Marines to the Peace Corps to Vietnam

When I left for the Peace Corps on the plane to Washington, DC, my mindset was not really ready for the two years service in Kazakhstan.  This will be a surprise to many of my friends and students, I was not very well liked by my fellow Peace Corps volunteers.  They say people join the Peace Corps because they are either escaping from something or failed in the US.  Sadly, this is true.

For my situation, there was no way they, the volunteers, or the Peace Corps staff could have known about what happened to me before in regards to the Marines.  I just remembered holding it inside, I never told them about my knees or medical discharge and yes, in this climate being dry and cold, I did feel the pain in my knees.  By this time, though, I decided to not taking any pain killers again (a vow I still adhere to today).  I was being a good Marine.  If it wasn’t for my Kazakh host family especially my Kazakh host mother and students, I probably would not have completed my two year service in Kazakhstan.  I remember experiencing a lot problems, today I realized that I subconsciously created some as some sort of protection mechanism.

After Peace Corps, I spent 4 months working with ACCELS in Kyrgyzstan.  I still held in my emotions deep inside.  Similarly to the Peace Corps, most of the staff  and Peace Corps volunteers in the country did not like me.  My predecessor,  even accidentally sent an email to me thinking I was another person saying that many of the volunteers and students felt I was not cool.  Several of the students that eventually made it to the US later told me that they were too scared to approach.  I was not considered a friendly person.  Again, this will surprise many of you especially since today I have a very extensive network of contacts and friends.

I returned to the US in December, 1999, attended the University of Washington during the summer of 2000 to study Russian.  One of my classmates was an active duty Marine, another way just joined to become a Marine officer.  It brought back the old wounds and I remembered feeling a bit envious at the time.  Despite my smiles at the time, I remember how hard it felt knowing I could not be active duty Marine anymore.  Instead of talking about it, I just held it in but I remember at the time, I could not focus on studying, again.

I then headed to the School of Public and Environmental Affairs (SPEA) at Indiana University in September, 2000, to work on my masters where I spent 3 full years.  To this day, the only thing I really remember about SPEA was when they did not grant me my veteran’s preferences for the Presidential Management Fellows Program.  SPEA knew I was a veteran, it was the first time I had to complain to a veteran’s representative.  I eventually got the nomination but in the end, even though I flew to Chicago for the interview, I did not attend since I did not want to have any relation to the PMF program and SPEA.  Though I liked some of the staff and professors at SPEA, I lost respect for the whole program after this.

I came back to Seattle in June, 2003, and I figured I would just get a good US government job in IT management which should have been easy with my masters, experience and 10 point veteran’s preference.  Even though I gave my proper VA forms, not one government job I applied for honored my VA preference. They just told me that the position closed.  Sadly, this is normal practice for many US government agencies.  It really sucked but I had nobody to complain to so I kept it inside.

This was the first time in my life that I decided to approach my network of friends for help.  My Turkish friends helped me get a teaching job in Tirana, Albania, but in the end, two Vietnam veterans I know convinced me to work with Amerasians in Vietnam.  This made sense since I already ran the Amerasian Foundation.  This is how I came to Vietnam.  Once in Saigon, I felt comfortable again.  I could ignore my past problems, I could even ignore my knee pains.  The pain are still there and I can feel them with each passing thunderstorm, kind of a warning to tell me to bring a rain jacket.

I met many US Vietnam Vets here.  Nearly all, except one, have problems medically and mentally.  I even saw one experiencing some signs of PTSD.  For some of them, the VA in the US would take care of them, for others, they were completely ignored.  I only met one Vietnam Vet that I would consider had been successful in his life.  The rest bounced between jobs, Vietnam ended up being a refuge for them.  It was a place that they remembered being fun for them and many would reenact their Vietnam War lives here.  They were hiding, many still are.

Finally, in 2009, a fellow Former Marine who was a Vietnam Vet met up with me here in Saigon.  He and some other Vietnam Vets talked about my early experiences in the Marines and with the VA.  It was the first time that I could actually talk about what happened to me.  They wanted me to reopen my case with the VA but I remember at the time, I did not feel comfortable with it.  I had settled for a low disability rating in 1992 because I a young naive 20 year old at the time.  Though I did not file any claims to reopen my case, I did feel like I was opening up then.  As many of you know, many things happened to me in 2009.  It was the first time many people saw me become openly angry in Vietnam.

It was only just about a month and a half ago, I contacted a Veteran’s lawyer, David Huffman, to take a look at my case.  David is a former Marine Vietnam Vet who was blinded during the war.  He now helps Veterans with their cases against the VA.  He decided to reopen my case with the VA, they just needed me to complete and sign some forms.  It took me nearly a month to complete them.  They were not difficult, it was that they brought back many memories and pent up emotions.  I finally FedEx’d them to the US a couple weeks ago, my paperwork has already been submitted to the VA.

I remember telling one of David’s staff at how difficult it was to submit.  I was surprised to see that this was quite common with veterans.  During the conversation, I was finally able to acknowledge that my military injuries actually affected my life.  There are things that I must admit I cannot do anymore such as running and heavy weightlifting.  I also found that I need to be more open about this with my friends.  I do talk more about it openly about it with friends and Vets here.

Most importantly, I find that I can actually focus on my life again.  I once had goals but never made any new ones.  I just lived day-by-day and went with the flow.  I am developing websites again, real development, and have two very interesting projects involving travel and security.  I even have friends telling me that my voice has somehow changed, my landlord said I seem more happy these days.  I feel relaxed, I can finally sleep when I need to.  I just needed to face the problem, admit it and then move on with my life.

Sadly, other veterans have not been able to face these issues themselves.  I am not a war veteran so I cannot imagine what war veterans must face day-by-day in the US.  Despite being a country that fights many wars, certain groups of Americans just do not want to accept and take care of veterans.  Despite being an agency that is supposed to help veterans, the VA can actually be a huge deterrent for veterans seeking help.  As a young 19/20 year old, I did not like dealing with the VA back in 1992/1993.  It was intimidating when in reality, it should have been more open.  It needs to be fixed soon, 1-2 years to process claims in ridiculous.  There are thousands of Iraq/Afghanistan War Veterans needing help ASAP.

So I would like to thank people like the Vets I met in Vietnam, David Huffman and one person who devotes all of her time to Vietnam Vets, Thuy Smith, for their efforts to help Vets in the US.  It is not easy to be a veteran, specifically a disabled veteran in the US.  That is why I spent the last 4 hours writing this, I want people to know.

October 31, 2011, is my 15 year anniversary from being discharged from the Marine Corps Reserve.  I am a former US Marine and Disabled Veteran.  There, I said it, time to move on with my life.

Semper Fi!

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